When asked why I flutter from hobby to hobby within a moment’s notice, why I read books one after the other, why I can’t bear not having a movie playing on tv, why I play too much RPG’s, I always say that I am easily bored. But the truth is, I am easily depressed. I need things to get my mind off whatever it is that’s making me this way or I will crumble. I don’t want to crumble. It’s happened before and it wasn’t pretty.
I’ve hit the bottom twice before. The first time, I did, I swallowed two bottles of ferrous sulfate. It wasn’t enough because all I got is a hammering heart for six hours and barf all over the floor. The second time it happened, I ended up planning my death and giving myself 30 days to settle my affairs. After my failed attempt I knew what to do. It was the happiest 30 days of my life. But considering that I am still here, writing this, you can see I didn’t go through with it. Why? Three days before my deadline, my one and only workmate was murdered. I’ve never felt that kind of depression since then, until now.
Right now , I feel betrayed and disappointed above else. Next to it, I feel panicky and scared. I’ve only felt betrayed once before, when one of my sisters disappeared after promising to help our youngest sister to college. But back then my anger had given me strength. And compared to this…
It’s… disheartening, knowing that the persons who you thought would help you just abandon you because they don’t care what happens. I’ve felt it before from them, the inequality, the favoritism. I chose to ignore it because I didn’t need another thing to push me down. But this blatant abandonment is hard to ignore. I didn’t think they would be capable of it, at least not to do it to my face. But now I’m here, swimming through muck by myself with just a single thread to guide me.
The only person tethering me here is my nephew. It hurts, physically hurts, to think of leaving him. I can’t imagine having him call my name and I wouldn’t be there to answer. I will, literally, kill for that child.
So now I wait for it to pass, and cry, and pray for guidance and strength. And when that’s over, I pray some more. At this point, these are the only things I could do.